I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
