She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
