I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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