why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
