she looked like the before picture.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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