Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
