Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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