dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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