the condom got lost in my hair
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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