Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
