If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
