I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
