He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize