I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
