Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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