Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
