theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize