I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
