Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
