I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
