dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
