he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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