Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
