Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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