She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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