Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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