My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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