I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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