how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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