I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
