i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
