you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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