Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
