life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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