I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
