Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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