I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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