Dude my mom stole all your condoms
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
