JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
