Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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