you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
