why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
