THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize