My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
