ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
