Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
