My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
