my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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