I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
They are going to name an STD after you.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
