My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
