don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
