I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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