On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
