i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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