saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
bring money and cleavage
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
