is your mom at the bar?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
