I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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