I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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