I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We left the knife in your bed.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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