The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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