No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
