she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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