wrigley field is MILF paradise
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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