The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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