This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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