i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
