I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
