you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
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