I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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