My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
