I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
