i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
