Just mADE A PArabola og urine
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You took a bar mat shot.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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