I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
