In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
