also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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