I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Randomize
